Things Your Diving Instructor Didn’t Tell You! A selection of Rick Delphi’s diving parables;
- Don’t take up diving to get a suntan
- People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one
- Inverse Law of Patches: A diver’s ability is inversely proportional to the number of patches they wear
- Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger
- Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn’t been diving or is a bad liar
- Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator
- People say the funniest things when you shut their air off
- Never have sex underwater above a coral reef
- Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
How to avoid shark attacks:
- Never Leave Kansas
- Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
- Always dive with a buddy, when sharks approach, point to buddy!
- Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
You can spot divers by:
- Funny Tan Lines
- Big Watch
- Says “Huh” a lot
- Bad shocks and springs in car
- Scars from trigger fish bites
- Expertise on anti-histamines
You can spot old time divers by:
- Funny Tan Lines
- Big Expensive Watch
- Old Jeep with bad shocks
- Log Book has volume number on cover
- Deaf in at least one ear
- Has multiple scars.
- Has cylinders older than you are
- Talks about making their first wet suit
- Dive gear is faded
- Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis
You can spot newbie divers by:
- Timex Watch
- Nice car
- Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
- No diving related scars
- Says “Wow, did you see that” alot
- Equipment looks nice
- Perfect hearing
Good things to say to Students or things instructors say:
Welcome to the food-chain folks, you are no longer on the top!
So what’s your point?
Ah, we did cover this in class didn’t we?
What part of this did you understand?
No, descending butt first is not acceptable
You couldn’t make it to class because your what died?
I’m sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I’m not going to carry all your gear around for you
I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy
Yes, I know you were scared, but don’t ever bite me again!
What do you mean you always bleed like that?
You don’t want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!
No, this isn’t all I do for a living
Yes, this is what I do for a living… why?
No sir, I really can’t explain all the biochemical reactions in the body to hyperbaric stress… BTW, what did you say you did for a living?
Things Divemasters say:
- I don’t care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau. Everyone does a pool checkout!
- To a nice looking lady carrying her handbag onboard: Can I help you with that mam?
- To a guy carrying a set of twin 120′s onboard: Looks heavy dude!
- You should’ve been here last week, the visibility was great!
- You didn’t see the whale shark?
- This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor and make the big bucks!
Things Store Owners Say:
- REFUNDS!!! We don’t give no stinking REFUNDS!!!
- As their instructor, they trust you… so sell like hell!
- Look, I’m letting you take the boat trips for free, what else do you want?
- I can’t pay you anymore, you know I don’t make money on classes
- I can’t pay you anymore, you know I don’t make money on trips
- I can’t pay you anymore, you know I don’t make money on equipment sales
- Sorry about the problem with that check
- Well, I couldn’t find the student certification forms you signed, so I signed them off myself.
- If I gave you 10% off, I couldn’t stay in business!
- It’s the instructor’s fault
- Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that problem you had?
- Ok, so your out of the hospital, when can you take another class?
- You want a compass… hmmm, you must mean a directional monitor
Things divers and customers say:
- Yeah, I was in the SEALS, but I can’t find my card
- You got any of that scuba stuff here? (toothpick in mouth manditory)
- Can I be certified by tonight, I’m leaving for Manila tomorrow
- My friend Chuck took me diving once. Can I get a discount?
- I never had this problem before
- Can I hold your hand during the dive?
- Are you married?
- What do you mean I made a 36 on the test?
- Thank you very much!
The great lies of scuba diving:
- Sure, anyone can learn to dive!
- Diving is perfectly safe!
- Nah, you don’t have to be a good swimmer to dive
- You can learn to dive in just three days!
There are two types of diver: Those who pee in their wetsuits and those who lie about it.
“Carrying a dive knife is very important, especially if there are sharks around. If a shark comes at you, take your knife out… stab your buddy, and swim as fast as you can back to the boat!”
What happens in your wetsuit, stays in your wetsuit!